City of Streator Installing New Fiber Cables to Address Growing Glitches in the “Simulation”

                 It’s no secret that things haven’t been business as usual around town, as a matter of fact, they are downright strange these days… stranger than usual, that is. Perhaps you have noticed the strange artifacts of the paranormal out of the corner of your eye. A déjà vu, blurry textures on buildings, low frame rates or stutters, or even broken A.I. at the local grocery store, these “glitches” in the fabric of our society have not gone unnoticed by city officials.

                There has been a long standing theory that Streator, Illinois exists only as a computer simulation, and these strange events seem to confirm this. “Can you imagine a place like Streator existing in the real world? I have been “Jacked” into this simulation for years, and I can certainly say there have been quite a few glitches since he latest update.” Says [Redacted]. The city was quick to give a statement and peruse a solution to the growing gaps in reality.

                “The city is proud to announce the installation of new fiber optic cables to increase stability of the simula… er… internet in our area. Yeah, that’s it, it’s an internet thing.” Says an unnamed city official. Though the statement does not inspire confidence that the city of Streator exists in the real world, the city stops short of confirming the blatantly open secret. Though citizens are becoming increasingly aware of the simulation, Mayor Bedei has been silent about the situation, and has not responded to our request of inquiry. However, that did not stop us from gathering megabytes worth of evidence to support the theory, thanks to vigilant town folk.

                “I went to the bank the other day, and half way through the transaction, the teller just froze in place! It was really eerie. When I asked if everything was ok, she said we needed to upgrade to windows 11, but in a strange monotone computerized voice! I told her skip for now, and everything went back to normal. I saw a notification pop up over head! It said ‘update postponed for 24 hours’”  Tessa Bell tells a Streator Mysteries Agent.

                To get to the bottom of this land line debacle, we met with our shadowy contact rooted deep inside the local government of Streator. We met in one of usual spots, a back alley littered with “Elvis Lives!” posters and a lone coffee cup doing its best impression of an urban tumble weed. He wouldn’t confirm or deny that we have been living in a simulation here in Streator, but he did hand me an envelope that would all but confirm our deepest suspicions. In the envelope was a lone computer disc (I think that’s what they were called?) labeled “America Online” and “Streator Online V.1.1” The disc advertised over 1,000 hours free.

                With our evidence in hand, we returned to the Mystery Lair to try and decipher this ancient technology to unlock the secrets within. Unfortunately, this is where are story comes to an end, as we were unable to figure out how to use this so called “CD ROM”. We will likely never know what information was held deep inside this outdated technology. Though it seems the existence of such a disc alone is confirmation that we are living in some type of out dated simulation.

                With the Fiber cable installation nearing completion, it seems we are opening the door to a new information super high way. Streatorites will have access to cheap and affordable connections to the simulation, allowing more people to be connected at one time. “Gone are the days when you become unplugged when someone answers the phone!” One of the installers told us in an exclusive 5 second interview. For those living outside of “Streator Online” It’s only a matter of time until you too, will be nothing more than a series of 1’s and 0’s.

                Streator is set to offer “Streator Blue” service in the near future as well. For only $14.99 a month, you can become “verified” in the simulation (Whatever that means) and get an ad free experience in your daily life!

                Streator Mysteries is a nonprofit paranormal journalist organization. Our stories are based on independent investigations, anonymous sources, and eye witness accounts, thus should be taken with a grain (or shaker) of salt. For legal reasons we consider ourselves a “parody” news source, but the truth is out there if you are willing to look for it. Streator Mysteries, answering the questions nobody is asking.